Dear Dad

“Oh, my pa-pa, to me he was so wonderful
Deep in my heart I miss him so today”
– Eddie Fisher (1953)

It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone for 14 years now. I still remember getting that phone call from mom, sobbing as she told me you stopped breathing and the EMT was administering CPR on your living room floor. What a difficult time that was for us all.

Often my mind wanders back about a quarter of a century. I look at the door as I’m sitting on the couch and feel like you and mom will be walking in at any minute for a holiday celebration. I miss those days. But as the years have gone by, I find that now I’m the age you were back then when you were walking through the door. And I have to say I’ve gained a new perspective.

When I was young, I remember thinking why do you always have to talk about your health? You loved to explain your health problems, express your fears of having a serious condition, and warning other people about getting screened for various diseases. Well, dad, now I get it- when I get together with my friends, we inevitably talk about our own health issues. I even post a lot about my health on social media. I’ve discovered that the older we get, the more our health becomes something we think about, and it is healing sometimes to just talk about it. Now I understand. Something else I’ve learned- even though I’m in a senior body, in my mind I’m still a kid. Looking back, I never realized that in your head, you were still a fun-loving teenager. We had a lot of fun times together, but I wished I tapped into your young mind, and asked you more about your youth.

I know you wished you would have seen us all more. As our lives got tied up with work and our children’s activities and keeping a home, it was not always easy to find time to get together with the family outside of holidays and birthday parties. I wanted you to understand I was grown and had my own life to lead. But I now certainly get the desire you had to spend more time with family, and like you I now cherish whatever time I get to spend with my family. I do remember that sheer joy you had when your grandchildren were born, and your delight in knowing that the Leitmeyer genes were continuing forward. Now that I’m a grandparent, I really get how you were feeling. I just wish you lived long enough to meet your great-children. You would have loved them dearly.

I also remember as you got older that I wished you got out more. I didn’t understand. You weren’t a big fan of traveling or exercising or having any significant hobbies, as you were perfectly comfortable hanging out at home watching TV in your senior years. As for me. I still enjoy hiking, seeing the world, hanging out with friends, volunteering, and seeing live music. But as much as I enjoy getting out, I have to admit that there are many days when sitting on the couch watching TV is the only thing I feel like doing; my body and mind just want to chill. Now I get it. And as I sit and watch TV, I say to myself, “this is what dad enjoyed.” (You’d love all the streaming channels we have now!)

I remember how many times you joked “Don’t get old!”. We would laugh, but I understand the feeling now that I’ve gotten older myself. I try and enjoy every minute, and not to worry about the future (although that one is still tough for me at times). One thing that I often think about is how I am following in your footsteps. It gives me peace to know if you could endure the ups and downs and highs and lows of the journey, so can I, and I thank you for that.

Love, Jackie.